A Stay-at-home Mother's Lament

Dear Folks who think SAHMs have it all,

I need to write this today…now…this moment… before I finally lose the last strand of sanity left in me. I am a Stay-at-home Mom (SAHM) for the last six years. I have two sons – one is 5 years and the other is 7 months.

I had a life before these six years in which I was a Chartered Accountant, who passed out in first attempt with flying colours. Not only was I a school topper, I was also a rank holder in the Madras University. Apart from all those academics, I had scores of cups and medals won in elocution competitions, debates, etc. conducted all over the Chennai city. I have taken part in innumerable dance shows in my school. I was the anchor for nearly every programme conducted in my school during my last three years there. I am the pet of all my school, college & CA teachers. I was the school captain. I played the veena as a hobby. I did yoga and aerobics for years before marriage. I am a self-taught artist who always had a project running and who has stopped work on canvas only these last few years because I wasn’t sure how safe oil paints are for my infant and toddler. And the best part is I did all this before I turned 22.

Still I dropped everything and got married at 22. Nope, I didn’t regret it! I thought it was another new adventure and sailed along happily getting accustomed to a new place, new family, new language, new rules (or maybe, I should say ‘no rules!’), new guy and even, new food! Before it could all even sink in, I found myself pregnant! And how… the morning sickness hit me real bad and I was throwing up all the time. And along with the vomit, my hopes and dreams for a career went down into the sink.

And then the baby came. However, much before that, I decided that this little darling was just too precious to leave in the hands of an ayah or a crèche, even if a grand parent is going to babysit along with help. Well, folks, remember something. A grandparent is just that…a grandparent and they can never ever replace a parent or what a parent can do! No, I do not blame them. They have done their duty and it is over. Expecting them to parent again is neither fair to them nor helpful to your child. I personally know three people who were brought up by their grandparents during childhood and all with disastrous consequences now. Sorry, I was not going to do that.

So, I stayed home.

People called me LAZY. Can you believe that? Here I am running behind a toddler 24x7 along with feeding an infant who loves to nurse from 12 to 7 continuously every night and they have the guts to call me ‘lazy’.

They tell me I am getting fat, have a tummy and should EXERCISE. Thanks, folks, for the insight. I do have a mirror at home. If you can babysit for an hour or at least sponsor a maid who will babysit for an hour (by the way, she charges Rs 600 for an hour which my poor hubby cannot afford!), I am ready to turn even cartwheels for you. But I will do it right in front of your eyes only. My kids are too precious to leave in anyone’s care.

Also, when you have your stomach cut open twice, it does leave its mark in the form a misshapen lump of flesh. Ask any gynaec if you don’t believe me. Then, how do film stars flaunt bikinis even after c-sections? They have money, time, babysitters, personal trainers and car drivers to take them to VLCC and back. I don’t have any of this. I can barely make ends meet. Forget all this crap.

Now, all of you people know that I am married. Why not ask my hubby to look after the kids for an hour every morning while I go for a walk? Nope, his time is too precious. In case he does wake up on some particular morning, then he would head for the gym. “I am working… busy all day… no time… you are at home only… you can exercise any time you like! Maybe when the elder one is off to school and the lil one is asleep…” ha..ha.. that one hour is all I have to have breakfast, a bath, dust and clean, pick up toys, prepare infant food, make calls, prepare for my son’s evening study session, get any favorite foods demanded by him ready and work on my writing project (by the way, did I mention that for the last five years, I am a freelance writer who works from home?)? Till 10, I am too busy to have breakfast and if I miss lunch at 12, then I cannot eat till 3. So, I never get a chance to eat when I am hungry with the result that slowly my gastronomic juices have started playing havoc on my digestion. That’s a totally different story! Lets get back to what we were handling here! I remember my yesteryears when dawn meant aerobics and dusk meant yoga. I loved it, pals. So, believe me… it is not out of choice that I don’t exercise.

Some others ask me, with disgust in their voice, WHAT DO YOU DO AT HOME THE ENTIRE DAY? HOW DOES YOUR TIME PASS? ‘Where is the time to pass?’ I wonder. My typical day is just so busy that before I realize the next day is here. Okay, let me tell you…

6.45 am - I realize I am still feeding Aaru. My back aches from the last 8 hours of being continually hunched up in sleeping cum feeding position. I slowly and painfully get up and out of bed and pop in the Eltroxin. (those rare days when I forget to pop in my hypothyroid tablets, I am in deep trouble - tired, dull & teary)The lil one gives me a huge grin. ‘Finally, mommy’s up and into her arms I go.’

I put him down in his crib with his toys and get the milk ready for my elder one. He’s got to leave by 8.30 for school. The maid rings the bell and I send a silent prayer up to God for bringing this woman into the world. Actually, for me, she is God-send. Though she costs a bomb on our little salary, I would rather die of starvation than ask her to leave. She starts getting breakfast and lunch ready. My hubby carries home-cooked food.

My elder one, Sanju, has this whiny morning tantrums for milk, brushing teeth, having bath, breakfast and all. I have the principle of not allowing him to cry before leaving for school. (Mostly, it is the younger one who cries his head off this entire hour pleading for attention which none of us have time to give.) So, the morning routine stretches and Sanju needs a total one hour for the entire process – milk, brush teeth, bath, moisturizer, sunscreen, uniform, breakfast, potty, hair combing, kissing mom and off with dad. Dad has this bus to catch and many times, he has no time to leave Sanju. “Go with the maid,” he tells him and runs off without hearing his son’s protests.

Sometimes, Sanju just bursts into tears and wants only mummy to go with him. So, I run inside, change into tracks and kurti and rush to drop him at school taking Aaru on the hips with me.

9.00 am – I am back home and Aaru is ravenous. Thankfully, I had got his food ready as I was preparing Sanju’s milk early in the morning. I feed him and put him down to explore the world. I suddenly remember I have neither brushed my teeth nor had anything to drink since morning. I set that right and Aaru cries for sleep. I give him a massage, bathe him and feed him to sleep.

10.00 am – I go for a bath feverishly wishing that Aaru doesn’t wake up while I am in the loo. Is the other bathroom door closed? Did I leave the eltroxin bottle on the bed? What if he wakes up and starts exploring? These thoughts are enough to get me out of the bathroom in three minutes. If there is a Guinness record for the fastest bath, I need to be awarded that.

He is still sleeping and this is a good day. I switch on my antique laptop to complete the writing deadline for the day. It is awfully slow and before it starts up, I complete all the tasks I had mentioned above. (….dust and clean, pick up toys, prepare infant food, make calls, prepare for my son’s evening study session, get any favorite foods demanded by him ready…) maybe I write around 100 words before my son is up! (Remember, this is a good day!)

11.30 am Lunch for Aaru followed by lunch for me.

12.45 pm Sanju is back home and I take him into the bathroom for a wash. That is followed by Sanju’s lunch followed by half hour of television for him.

1.30 to 2.00 I put Aaru to sleep and might slip away myself into 15 minutes of coma.

2.00 to 3.00 (Good day, again!) I work on the comp, Sanju plays in his room and Aaru is deeply asleep.

3.00 to 4.00 Sanju’s homework cum study time.

4.00 to 5.30 We read books, play, talk about the world, discuss about friends, have some snacks (healthy, hopefully!) and get ready to go down to the park below the apartment.

5.30 to 7.00 The boys are having a blast while I am running around trying to make sure Sanju is safe, doesn’t run into vehicles or fall down from the swing. I sort out quarrels atop the sliding board and act like a policeman for the entire time. I am so drained out by the end of this.

7.00 to 8.00 Dinnertime. I really have a hard time in the evening convincing the boys to eat.

8.30 p.m onwards Sanju is off to sleep and sometimes, Aaru dozes off too. However, Sanju won’t be up till 7.30 the next morning unless he is sick but Aaru just won’t be down for more than half-hour without his mummy. I feed him – he sleeps – up again – feed again – sleep again - up again and it goes on till I go to bed myself. Meanwhile, hubby comes, has dinner, and watches TV. We chat for sometime till he realizes that I have gone to sleep with eyes open once again. We are off to bed and Aaru is happy to have his pacifier beside him for the entire night. I have a chill sleeping the entire night with the buttons open.

Trust me, folks, this is a good day. Put in a doctor visit for immunizations, baby with fever, Sanju in vomiting fit or Aaru in teething woes and the schedule gets crazy.

I know there are some super women who manage this entire mothering job along with another full-time career in place. Hats off to those super women! However, I am not one and cannot be one physically and emotionally. I don’t trust anyone (little skeptical of hubby too!) when it comes to looking after my kids. My life might seem to be stuck in a rut to you but I am enjoying these years. I might be able to get back on a career but would a working mother ever get back her kid’s childhood?

Today, I am super cranky because someone gave me a few suggestions yesterday. Let me quote the exact words, “I think you should have worked at least for sometime after marriage,” “you should decide these things (i.e. whether I should work or not) only after consulting with hubby,” etc. So, if my hubby wants me to work, I should whether I and my kids want it or not. Is that what you mean? And what is this about sometime after marriage – I got pregnant within a month of being married… do you suggest I should have been on a job for 20 days to add value to my resume! Women’s independence is still lacking in this country if she does not have the freedom to decide whether she wants to work or not.

A SAHM is a lonely person whose conversations revolve around imaginary dinosaurs and nursery rhymes. She doesn’t study balance sheets but analyzes diapers checking out for indigestion symptoms. She has drool and spit-up all over her clothes. She has traded her salon haircut for a ponytail and her designer handbag for a heavy diaper bag. Her self-esteem shakes like a jelly when she sees people wearing ironed cotton clothes and high heels. Her confidence is pretty low as she is still not so sure how God trusted her with two little kids. She is not perfect. She is only a mother!

When you are on a job, you are thanked for your help, cheered for your achievements and appreciated for your efforts. A SAHM never hears the words ‘Sorry,’ ‘Thank you,’ or ‘Please’. The baby never says, “Thanks for changing my diaper” nor does the toddler say, “Thanks for that trip to the park where I threw sand on your hair.” Still we persevere.

Again, the rewards are invisible. The baby still trips and hurts himself. The toddler still throws tantrums and the house is still far from clean. They say that some day in future the kids would turn up right because I am there for them now. In that hope, we wait for the day to pass.

I have spoken too much. It is time to end it with one last statement.

We, Stay-at-home Mothers, are so fragile. Please don’t shatter us!

Aaru on Solids

My elder son, Sanju, was a darling when it came to food. He had his own favourite choices but he would eat when it was put before him. But the second one has a mind of his own when it comes to food. According to him, meals are over-rated. I just made a list of all the ways in which he is unlike his brother:

1. He refuses to sit on his high chair and prefers mummy's hip as the best place to have a meal.

2. He needs continuous live entertainment during his meals. He prefers a non-stop repetitive rendition of '1...2...Buckle my shoe' especially during meals involving veggies.

3. He prefers the plain Cerelac Rice and cannot understand why in the world he can't have it more than once a day!

4. He has perfected the art of shaking his head 'no' and loves to perform especially when mummy hovers a spoon in front of his face.

5. All said and done, he just does not understand why he should have any other food when he can have the great perfect yummy mummy milk that also gives him a chance to snuggle close to her. Boo to solids!

So, you can now understand what a tough job each meal is proving to be.

Should I say "Keep your hands off!"?

Aaru is down with a cold. He is slightly warm to touch and his voice has also changed a bit. Courtesy - my maid! She had fever, cough and throat pain but couldn't keep her hands off Aaru. She loves both the kids a lot and I didn't want her to feel bad. So, I tried not to say anything much to her. Since she never kisses the kids or anything, I thought it would be okay but I was wrong! He has caught it now!

Surprisingly, this time, my hubby demanded why I hadn't asked her to 'keep her hands off the baby'when she had a cold. I am surprised because when the source is the maid, he reacts so but when the source of infection might be a friend, neighbour or relative, his reaction immediately changes. He asks me not to offend them!!!

This poor maid who toils all day in my house so that I can have some peace to look after the kids, who loves the kids so, accompanies us to doctor visits and gives me a hand when I need help with the baby seems to me to be a far more important person than everyone else put together. In fact, I am sure right in not offending her by asking her to not pick up Aaru.

Its okay, Aaru, put up with your cold. T-minic syrup will save the day. If it gets worse, there is Ascovent and our Dr. Potnis. (And to visit him, once again, we need our maid. Dad's too busy in office!)

An endnote: Folks who read this... please keep your hands off any baby whenever you have a cold or any other sickness. Also, don't handle baby without washing your hands or using a sanitiser. And, please don't get offended when someone suggests that you use one before handling their child.

Life's Questions...

In the death camps of Nazi Germany, Victor Frankyl learned to ask himself the question,
'what is it that life is asking of me?'
instead of
'what is it I want from life?'

As I read these words in the book, 'Living the 7 Habits' by Stephen R. Covey, my mind paused a second and I wondered upon this question. I could think of a few things that life has asked of me - most of which I ignored, blaming the circumstances.

Then my phone beeped. It was an sms,
'An Essential Writing Trait: Perseverance. Maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement.'

Sounds good! Ok! But what is it that life is asking of me? The first thing that popped to my mind was 'rearing my two sons in such a way that they are physically cherished, mentally fit, emotionally nurtured and socially skilled'. Not an easy job for any mother. Still somehow, I have never felt satisfied with only that single role of 'mother'. I have always wanted to do something else too. But what?I know I will go to a job in another 3 years. What should that job be? Lets see the options:

1. Should I join as a CA in some company? Or
2. Shall I start my own firm? Or
3. What about trying to crack the civil services? (a long-term dream) or
4. How about a career in marketing/copywriting? (I have a few years experience in this and love the job).

As I pondered on all this, the thought nagged me - 'why don't you continue with what you are doing now - writing?' and then the questions start,

Am I any good in what I am doing?
Will I earn anything via this?
Isn't this good only as a hobby?
What right do I have to call myself as a writer without having even a single published book to my name?

Then slowly a voice hushes all my concerns. "You write because you want to do it. It is not for the money, fame or status. It is just an urgent need to talk out loud about what is going on in your head. Just do what you want to and everything else will follow in its own time," it says.

Anyways, I have another 3 years before I take the decision. Till then, I can only write...

Emotional Blackmail

Yesterday, Sanju watched too much television. I lost my patience and punished him – “no TV for a day!”

Obviously, he was upset…he tried to reason with me to no avail. So, he decided to try some emotional blackmail, “You don’t love me anymore! You love only Aaru.”

For a fraction of a second, I became disturbed but quickly I turned around and told him, “That is not going to work with me. I know and you know that I love you lots but that doesn’t mean I am not going to correct your faults. And just because you make such statements, I am not going to get upset.”

And you know what he did? He grinned impishly. He understood these emotional tricks are not going to work with me anymore.

Kids! OMG!

A Little Summary of the Last Month

Aaru

Lots of thrilling happenings...

25.10.2010 Rolled over for the first time
30.10.2010 Attended a party for the first time (Vineesh's Bday party). Seemed to actually enjoy the proceedings. Was not perturbed by the screaming kids, blasting balloons or even the shrieking music.
31.10.2010 Laughed out loud for the first time. It was so funny to see that!

Sanju

Seems to start on a case of Sibling Jealousy...

* If I scold him, he asks me if I still love him? Then, why do I scold him?
* Why is the baby taking up so much of my time?, etc.
* Becoming tooo mischievous
* Refusing to be anywhere without me
* Not even attending evening classes

But loves n adores Aaru too...

For example, when I was scolding Aaru after another sleepless nights, he tried to pacify my grumpling by calmly explaining to me...

"Mom, babies don't know anything. Some of these babies are tough to manage. So, please don't scold Aaru."
Isn't that sweet?

Now I know why I shouldn't start work again so soon!

Now I know why I shouldn't start work again so soon!

I was ecstatic when I started on this small temporary project a couple of weeks ago. The deadline for the same was the 8th and I was making progress perfectly.

By the 7th, I had done around 80% of the work and was planning to complete the balance in the next 2 days. How optimistic this sounds!!! The blow struck and how:

6th Night 12.30 a.m- Sanju is bawling. He has too many mouth ulcers and they are paining like crazy.
7th Morning 8.00 a.m- Aaru is due for Triple Antigen. Decided to show Sanju to the doc too. Sanju diagnosed with Hand, Foot & Mouth disease. (Got it from school where an epidemic of this disease is going on) Doctor says there is a high risk that Aaru may catch it from Sanju too. (I am still crossing my fingers that this doesn’t happen!)
7th Entire Day- Sanju crying while Aaru is down with fever because of the shots.
8th Morning 7.30 a.m- Hubby unable to get up from bed – severe dizziness…
8th Morning 10.30a.m- Doctor rushed home and diagnosed a mild(?!) case of Vertigo. Hubby unable to get out of bed for the next 3 days.

So, what did I do? Quit? Nope. I completed the project as promised and dispatched it on time. It was tough to do that but I had no choice. I feel that once I promise that a work will go through, there is no choice but to make sure it happens even if it means I have to give up sleep.

I am not only a writer but I have also employed writers before and it did irritate me immensely when a writer wanted the deadlines to be extended. Maybe that is why, I did not want to do the same!

Anyway, it is done and over with now and I am pretty excited to see my name in print once again!